


Paramnesia

by RKPYoshi



Category: Vocaloid
Genre: F/M, firstworkhavemercyplz, howdoyouadditalics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-18
Updated: 2016-07-18
Packaged: 2018-07-24 18:38:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,808
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7519010
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RKPYoshi/pseuds/RKPYoshi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Len was five when he met Gumi for the first time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Paramnesia

“Don’t become one with illusions, let alone your own. When they leave you, sure, you’ll still be alive. However, you’ll have ceased to live.”  
\---  
Len was five when he met Gumi for the first time.

Little Kagamine Len didn’t have many friends at the time. The other kids would always pick on him for having more of a feminine look about him; what with his long lashes, twinkling eyes that shone a brilliant cerulean, rosy, plump cheeks and his golden hair that he always wore in a ponytail (it was just that long). On that particular afternoon, he sat in the sandbox at the park near his house, cutely grinning to himself as he worked on his masterpiece in the semi-dry sand.

“Hey! Girly!”

Len looked up in recognition of the insult. He vaguely saw a flash of sapphire hair before he felt the sharp end of a rock dig into the flesh just next to his eye. His vision became blurry from the sudden sharp sting – the biting cold wind didn’t help with the pain – and he heard the other kids’ cackling when he (barely) choked back a yelp. 

Feeling something slither down one cheek, Len hurriedly pressed the sleeve of his oversized, off-white sweater against his eye. He could only blink in shock when his sleeve hadn’t been stained by tears, like he had originally thought, but by an ugly crimson splotch that slowly ate at the off white, dyeing it the same colour.

“Oh my freaking god, what a faggot,” the boy who had thrown the rock at Len had spat on the sand next to the trembling boy. 

Despite having no idea of what that meant, Len figured it was a new insult because of how his chest twisted up painfully, much like a wet sponge being wringed of its water. That boy always had new words to call the other children that weren’t part of his ‘club’, namely Len. When his friends had asked about said new words, Len had overheard the boy proudly state that he had learnt them from his parents, who happened to be ‘divorced’ (another word Len had yet to learn).

Don’t cry, Lenny. Be strong. Don’t let them win.

Len furiously repeated this to himself like a mantra, a futile attempt to ward off the tears welling in his eyes.

“Don’t let them see you cry,” his mother had once said as she covered a cut on Len’s knee with a band-aid. “It will show them that they have done a good job of bothering you.” Len began to panic when something slithered down his other cheek. Quickly using his other sleeve to wipe at it, he found no red stains appearing on the wool.

He was crying.

No! Mocking laughter rang loudly in his ears as tears dropped to the sand before Len could catch them with his sleeves. 

She’s going to be so mad. Mom doesn’t like tears.

He scrubbed at his eyes desperately, not stopping even when his eyes began to burn from the friction. 

No, no, no, no, no-!

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP.

Len clutched his head in pain, a ringing sound piercing through his eardrums instead of laughter.

Stop. Stop, stop…stop.

“Hey…are you alright?”

Suddenly, Len felt his chest untwist and his mind stop racing. His cheeks felt dry, his vision wasn’t blurry and his eye didn’t hurt as much. He noticed that it was silent, and that the playground was practically deserted now that the boys’ were gone from his line of sight. He stared up at the figure that loomed over him. 

The girl wore a bright white singlet and a matching pair of shorts. Her lime green cardigan, just a few shades lighter than her hair, hardly seemed to be able to fight with the cold wind. The material of her woolen scarf looked even thinner. Len hardly thought about that, though; he was too distracted by the wide, rascal grin she wore as she curiously stared at a tearful Len with her unblinking emerald orbs.

“Sup.” She half-saluted with two fingers, as if she were completely oblivious to Len’s current tearful and shaken state. What was worse was how much of a stuttering mess Len became whenever someone tried to initiate a conversation with him. He was too shy for his own good.

“Um, h-hi,” It didn’t stop Len from making an effort to reply while staring down at the girl’s seemingly new pair of white and grey shoes. He stopped himself from squeaking when the girl suddenly sat down in front of him.

“So…Did those jerks,” The girl pointed at the speck of blue in the distance - right at the sapphire-haired boy with his ‘club’ – “…Did they do that to you?” She stared at the cut; the blood had dried by now, but the sting was still ever-present, a constant reminder every time Len blinked. He nodded slowly, his eyes looking everywhere but at the girl.

“T-they did…” he stammered, cheeks burning a fiery red. 

She’s staring way too much! Len subconsciously gripped onto the over sized sleeves of his sweater.

“Well, that wasn’t nice of them, was it?” Len shook his head, minutely shivering as the wind played with the locks of his hair. He had been wondering why the coldness of the wind didn’t seem to even faze the girl when she suddenly leaned forward to cup his cheeks, their noses practically touching. 

Len had no clue of why the girl was so close. His face became warmer than the sweater he was wearing before he pushed the girl away. Len immediately felt guilty when she fell backwards into the sand, but became baffled when she didn’t look hurt or angry.

“Hey, I wasn’t gonna kiss you or anything.” She teased. She slowly approached Len again, stopping when Len flinched at the proximity. “Please, let me see the cut?” Len ducked his head down obediently, face warm as the girl stared at the cut. She prodded at the cut with a nimble, but dainty finger. Len winced, tears springing back in his eyes.

“Ah! Sorry!” She apologized sheepishly. “I didn’t mean to hurt you…”

“Could you make it stop hurting?” Len blurted out, shocking the girl momentarily. She pondered upon this, eyes looking up at the sky thoughtfully before she looked back at Len, eyes sparkling. 

“Well… Just don’t think about it!” she beamed, “The pain will stop if you think of something that makes you happy!”

“Like…what?” Len looked up at her beaming face for the first time. Her smile was even wider, now that Len had spoken more than two words to her. 

“Well… what is it that you’re making?” she pointed at Len’s little sand creation. 

One look at his own work had Len blushing yet again. “Dango,” he muttered.

“Dango?” the girl echoed.

“Yeah! I like Dango a lot!”

For a moment, the girl was silent. Len grew concerned that he’d said something wrong. Then she laughed, brightly and loudly. “Your cheeks; they’re like Dango!” she giggled, poking Len’s cheek. Len lightly swatted the hand away, his cheeks puffing out as he pouted.

“No they’re not…”

“They are! It’s cute!”

Len just continued to pout.

The girl finally frowned and crossed her arms. “Fine, I’m sorry. You don’t have Dango cheeks.” Len smiled widely, his teeth flashing and his eyes twinkling again. “…Am I forgiven?”

“Hm…” Len puffed out his cheeks again, tapping his chin thoughtfully. “Help me make a Dango family?”

The girl agreed easily.

\---

“Yaaa!” Len wailed into the phone, “Help me out, would you?! What do I say?!” A chuckle was heard from the other side, to which Len stared at the device, utterly bemused.

“Jeez,” The voice yawned loudly. “Calm down, Lenny…” Len’s eyes narrowed at the nickname. He vaguely heard her mumble ooh yum, Fruit Loops, followed by a clinking noise and chewing sounds before she spoke again. “What’s so bad that you have to call me at-,” Len could practically see her check a clock, “…The crack of… two-thirty?”

“Gumi, you know damn well what the problem is, you lazy ass.” Len spat, “Miku asked me to that school dance! ME!”

“Man, it’s too early on a Sunday to be listening to problems about girls.” Gumi complained.

“IT’S TWO THIRTY IN THE AFTERNOON.” Len yelled at the phone.

“Ugh. Just what the hell is the damn problem with Miku asking you out?!” Gumi seemed to be fully awake now, and maybe just a tad-bit annoyed.

“It’s in public for crying out loud,” Len went back to whining, “and Miku is, like, reaaaallly popular.” It seemed like forever before Gumi responded. Len had proceeded to smack his head against his desk every time he heard the clink of a spoon against the bowl  
as Gumi scooped more cereal into her mouth.

“UGH. Gumi, help me out here, would you?!”

“She likes you and you like her. What’s the problem with that?” Gumi sighed, “It’s not like the world will end if you two are seen together.”

“But Gumi-“

“Look, I’ve got to go…” Gumi said abruptly, “Later, Lenny.”

Beep. Beep. Beep. 

Len growled in annoyance, shoving his phone into his hoodie pocket. “Stupid Gumi, I don’t want to go with Miku…”

He sighed.

For twelve years, he and Gumi had been joined to the hip, staying by each other from the moment the two had met each other. They did practically everything together and they knew everything about each other. 

Gumi knew that Len’s first kiss had been “stolen” by a girl named Luka during a school trip when he was nine. She was there to tend to Len’s cuts and bruises when he had gotten into his first fist-fight with another boy when he was eleven, just because they both happened to like the same girl. Len had been there when Gumi’s younger brother, as well as his classmate, Gumo, had passed away in a hit-and-run. The stack of medical bills triggered a bitter divorce and tireless arguments for the custody of her when they had turned fourteen. He had witnessed Gumi trying to smoke a cigarette for the first time out of curiosity when they were sixteen, and he didn’t even try to hold back his laughter when she started to cough. Hell, they were even there for each other when they had both gotten drunk for the first time.

Great memories as they were, Len’s most precious memory was of that very day Gumi had met him in the sandbox in the park near his house. 

Gumi was a huge part of Len; a much bigger part than he knew.

“Stupid, stupid… I want to go to the dance with you…”

If there was anything that could trump how important Gumi was to him, it was dreaming. It was part of his very being.

And yet, he hadn’t realized that.

\---

Of course, Len had turned Miku down.

Miku didn’t seem to have minded, still smiling to him in the hallways like she had done before she’d asked him. However, Len couldn’t shake off the feeling that she seemed slightly… salty about being rejected. He felt that if she truly wasn’t affected by the rejection, she wouldn’t have patted him on the back with slight force.

“I hope you and your… significant other have fun,”

He thought about how her eyes bore into the back of his head as he walked away had been just as intense as the bright cyan her hair was. Chills went down Len’s spine, as if he was to be expecting a storm on the horizon. 

On the day of the school dance, Len sat at the bus stop, munching on a significantly large slice of banana bread he had nabbed from the convenience store near his school. The sky had become a deep navy by the time he had gotten home.  
He sat on his couch, watching anime on his laptop and gorging himself on biscuits. He broke off another crumbly piece of one and popped it in his mouth, not really caring if he was going to gain any weight that night (then again, it wasn’t like he’d ever gained anything; he was all skin and bones).

His parents weren’t home, yet again. They were off making money. They were always working, even when Len needed them. He hadn’t even seen them at his graduation from middle school. Only Gumi was there for him.  
Hours later, Len realized that he was having more fun watching anime than he would’ve had at that stupid dance…but he’d have enjoyed the night more if Gumi was with him. 

A sudden knock at the door tore Len away from his laptop, the current episode left at a stand-still. He frowned; there weren’t supposed to be any visitors that night (none that he was expecting, anyway). He stood, placing the biscuits down on the coffee table. He walked right to the door and flung it open, eyes widening in shock from scrutinizing narrow slits.

“G-Gumi?!”

Gumi did her signature half-hearted mock-salute. “‘Sup, Lenny?” she asked nonchalantly, grin widening on her face. Len gaped for a moment, unable to say anything. In his moment of weakness, Gumi quickly pushed past him, collapsing onto the couch. Len padded in after her, crossing his arms. She was still in her school uniform (for the most part), despite it being close to midnight. Her white, long sleeved shirt had been rolled up at the sleeves and the peach-shaded ribbon around her collar was loosened. She’d changed out of her black leather school shoes and wore her off-white, worn out converse instead.

“What’re you doing here?” 

“I came to keep you company. I knew you wouldn’t go to that dance.” Gumi smirked as she un-paused the anime. “Ooh, cookies!” she exclaimed, munching on one happily.

Len tilted his head, eyes narrowed in confusion. “How could you possibly have known that?” he asked quietly. Gumi simply patted the seat next to her as she wiped cookie crumbs off of her face, leaning back into the soft cushions. Len wordlessly sat beside her.

“Well… for starters, dances aren’t your scene. You’ve hated them ever since middle school. Trust me; I remember how your ‘anti-social potato’ skills were so strong that even the teachers were scared to offer you company at your very first one.” Flushing, Len playfully pushed his best friend, who only laughed in reply.

“You ass,” Len mumbled, “That’s really sad.”

“Sad, but true.” Gumi waved a hand in the air dismally before she continued. “You don’t have an outfit. It’s a formal dance, I know that much. But you outgrew your tux last year and you’re too damn lazy to get another one fitted.” Len didn’t even try to protest  
this time; she knew him too well.

“Oh, and lastly…”

Suddenly Len couldn’t breathe. Gumi’s face was merely a few centimeters away from his, their lips nearly touching. Len really wanted to smack that grin of hers off of her face, but he was frozen in place.

“You. Like. Me.”

And then, Len felt Gumi’s lips on his own, chaste, but still enough to make Len’s face go crimson. Len pulled back first, leaving a significant gap between him and Gumi as his eyes glued themselves to the other side of the room.

“Knawwwww, your face is as red as it was when I first met you.” Gumi laughed, pinching Len’s cheek.

“Sh-shut up, you.”

 --- 

Len thought his mother would understand. He thought she’d be the one to accept his relationship with his childhood friend, the person who’d been there for him as often as she had.

He had told his mother the very next week, sometime in the afternoon when she had a day off from work, which was a rare occurrence in itself. She had been cutting up vegetables and putting them in containers so that Len would be able to use them to make his meals whenever she couldn’t (which was all the time, basically). As soon as Len told her the news, her head snapped up. 

“You can’t possibly be in a relationship with Gumi, sweetie,” she said in disbelief as she set the kitchen knife down.

He frowned. “But mom… I am. She makes me happy. You know that night of the dance that I didn’t go to? She came over, and we kissed. I really, really like her, mom.” Len’s eyes were bright as he rattled off, but his mother didn’t look convinced at all.

She…she doesn’t believe me?

“…I think I might love her,” he muttered, trailing off toward the end. Even then her expression didn’t change. “…Why are you so shocked? You don’t like the idea of me and Gumi being together?” Len’s voice had raised a significant amount; his eyebrows were drawn together in worry.

She shook her head and sighed, her voice calm and composed as she tried talking to her son. “Len, sweetheart, it’s not that I don’t accept it. I would, I really would… if it was anyone but Gumi.” She took off her apron and set it on the counter beside the containers. She tried reaching out for her son to pat his head, but Len smacked her hand away before she could, his eyes glistening.

“Why?! Why can’t I be with Gumi?!” Len wailed aloud, distraught by his mother’s refusal to accept the person he loved.

What is going on?! Why is my mother going against me?! I thought she wanted me to be happy!

“It’s because…” She took a deep breath, almost unable to fathom that Len didn’t already know. “She isn’t real.”

Len’s eyes widened and began to fill with tears. “W-What?” he squeaked, his hands clenching into fists around the fabric of his pants.

“Gumi was someone you created when you were a kid, Len. She was your imaginary friend.” His mother was trying to put it in the easiest way possible, but Len’s mind was struggling to swim in a tidal wave of panic.

Created? Imaginary? What the hell does she mean by ‘She isn’t real’?

“I thought you already grew out of having her around, but-”

“Shut up! Shut up!” he screeched, covering his ears. “Shut up! Gumi’s real! She’s real!” He stood quickly. One of his legs moved back violently, kicking his chair backwards; the oak wood hit the ground with a loud thud. He looked at his mother with teary eyes, backing away from her.

“Lenny-“

“Don’t you dare call me that!” His mother visibly flinched. Len continued before his mother tried speaking again. “Who are you to tell me if she’s real or not? It’s not like you were even there the entire time. Neither you nor dad were there for me. You’re too busy with your jobs!” 

“Len, I’m-“

“What? You’re sorry? AT THIS POINT THAT WOULD BE MORE UNBELIEVABLE!”

This time, Len flinched at his own voice. Amidst his tears and struggle to grasp onto his form of reality, he had a feeling that what he said didn’t sound like it came from his mouth at all. However, he omitted the muse as quickly as he thought of it as he backed into the doorway of his house. Len turned and fled quickly, pulling on his shoes and running out, not caring about how heavily the rain was beating down on the pavement, let alone him.

His shirt was soaked as he took his phone from his pocket, dialing an ever-familiar number. “Gumi…” he croaked.

“Len?! Lenny, what’s wrong?!”

“Can you come get me at the park?” he whimpered. “Please?”

“I’ll be right there.”

Len fled towards the park, pushing past the people who were in his way. He got dirty looks from some of them, but he honestly didn’t care. His tears were streaming down too fast, mixing with the heavy raindrops.  
The sky cried with Len as he entered the park, making his way to the playground. He practically collapsed onto one of the nearby benches, looking at the sandbox where he’d met Gumi for the first time. There were a few weeds growing over the muddy and paint-chipped wood and a thin sheet of water had submerged the sand underneath. 

“Think about something fun! And the pain will stop.”

Gumi’s words from over ten years prior echoed in his mind. It was advice Len had lived by, to always thinking of something happy whenever he was hurting; it always made him feel better. But this time, he couldn’t think of anything. All he could try to think of would circle back to his mother’s words.

“Gumi was someone you created when you were a kid, Len.”

That wasn’t possible. Len couldn’t have created Gumi. Gumi was a real person; she was as real as anyone else. If Gumi wasn’t real, Len wouldn’t know what was. His eyes were growing tired as he waited for Gumi to come and find him. He waited for the only real person he ever knew that would come get him in the spot they first met.

Through the rain, a shadow appeared in front of Len’s tired eyes.

“Kagamine?”

That’s not Gumi’s voice…

It was a familiar voice, one that Len knew he could place. His brain failed him as he searched through it for the owner of the voice. It shut down, complaining of the tiredness, the overload of information it’d just received. He passed out, but not before uttering his girlfriend's name.

“Gumi…”

\---

A heart monitor beeped.

Len’s eyes opened.

At first, he wondered where he was. The machine next to his bed beeped again and he realized he’d passed out at some point. He’d nearly forgotten what’d happened that night (he sure as hell didn't know how long he was out for). He’d nearly forgotten about what his mother had said about Gumi.

Gumi.

He quickly sat up and looked around the room, only to see a nurse with her back turned to her.

“E-Excuse me, miss?” he croaked, his voice cracking from his dry throat. He coughed a little, wondering just how long he’d been asleep.

The nurse turned around in surprise. “Oh! You’re awake!” she exclaimed, her voice filled with relief. “Let me get the doctor. Please, stay where you are, Len!” She sped off without another word, exiting the room before the boy could even ask what was going on. He stayed where he was, his overworked brain desperately trying to process everything.

“Oh, my baby!” As his mother entered the room with a loud wail, Len looked over at her with wide eyes. She practically leapt at him, wrapping her thin arms around his body, encasing him in a hug. “I thought you weren’t going to wake up, Lenny!” she sniffled. “I didn’t know where you were! You didn’t pick up your phone! I was about to call a search, I swear!”

Len blinked in confusion, pulling away from his mother’s hug. “Mom,” he began, “what happened?”

She shook her head, wiping at her tears with the back of her sleeve. “I-I don’t know, baby. All I know is that your friend found you at the park. But what were you doing there?”

“Friend?” he muttered. “…Gumi?”

“No, a boy named Piko. Said you’d called him, begging him to get you from the park?”

Len frowned. “But… I called Gumi,” he muttered, holding his forehead as it began to ache. “I dialed her number, I called her…” He remembered calling Gumi. He remembered asking her to meet at the park. He remembered wanting to know whether or not Gumi was indeed real.

Well of course she fucking is. Mom is just fucking with your head Len, don’t get distracted.

“Mom, where’s my phone?!” he practically demanded.

“I-I have it, why?”

“I need to call Gumi!” Len practically wailed. “She needs to know that I’m okay!”

If Len didn’t call Gumi right away, he knew his best friend would be mad as hell. She’d give him a good scolding later, and maybe she’d ignore Len until she admitted that she was being dumb.

His mother shook her head sadly. “Lenny… Gumi isn’t real.”

Gumi isn’t real.

Len froze, his hands clenching into fists around the blankets. His eyes narrowed at his mother.

“Get out,” he spat. His mother’s eyes widened, looking taken aback at her son’s sudden hostility. “You’re a liar.”

She said nothing, knowing that he couldn’t be reasoned with. She just left.

 ---

Piko visited, telling him the same thing that his mother had.

Apparently, Len had dialed Piko’s number, pleading for him to come to the park and pick Len up. It’d been raining, and Len had been crying. Piko had made his way to the park only to see Len pass out as soon as he’d arrived.

Len called him a liar, too.

\---

The next person to even attempt to reason with Len was the hospital’s psychologist. He asked Len dozens of questions, all of which Len never answered the way the doctor wanted him to.

“Tell me, Len, is Gumi here with us now?”

The blonde adamantly shook his head, not looking at the psychologist, but out the window of the hospital room he’d been staying in for the past week.

He heard him scribbling something onto a notepad, probably a diagnosis that he was insane. “No. She’s not. She’s not because if she was, we’d both see her.”

“Of course.” The psychologist rolled his eyes.

He glared at the older man. “I’m not crazy,” he muttered defensively, crossing his arms over his chest.

The man sighed. “We’re not getting anywhere,” he declared. “I’m going to go get coffee. Press that,” he gestured to the button next to Len’s bed, “if you need me.”

Len sneered. “I won’t.”

The psychologist heaved another sigh, standing from the side couch. “Very well, Len.”

He exited the room, leaving the door slightly open as he walked into the hallway. Len scoffed and turned back towards the window, staring out at the blue, blue sky above him. For a few minutes, he simply stared at the vast area of blue dotted with white wisps.  
He didn’t say a word or even blink. He didn’t even think about anything. His mind was completely blank.

A knock from the other side of the room caused him to look towards the door. Len expected it to be the stupid older man returning, but no. Instead, it was his girlfriend, the one that everyone was trying to convince him wasn’t real. Gumi, in navy shorts, dark ankle boots and a grey t-shirt, walked through the doorway and smiled at him. Len beamed as she plopped herself down on the bed.

“Sup, Lenny,” she muttered, smile still present as she patted Len’s hair. The younger leaned into her warm touch, practically purring. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you…”

The blonde immediately shook his head, wrapping his arms around Gumi. “You’re here now,” he replied quietly. “That’s all that matters.” He felt Gumi’s longer arms cocooning him, protecting him from the rest of the world.

He felt safe.

“They’re trying to say you aren’t real, Gum. They’re telling me that I made you up when I was a little kid,” he muttered, tears filling his eyes. “It’s not true. I know it’s not.”

Gumi let go of him to cup his face in her hands. “…Lenny, listen. I love you. I love you so much that it hurts. But…” She trailed off, shaking her head.

“But what, Gumi?”

“But you must listen to us.” The psychologist stood at the door, two doctors in white at either side of him.

Len glared at the older man. “Gumi’s here now! There, I proved it! She’s real! Now, will you leave us alone?!” he demanded, tears welling up in his eyes. The man almost looked sad for a moment. 

“I’m afraid I can’t do that, Len.” He bowed his head as a signal for the two doctors to move forward; they grabbed one of Len’s arms each.

“W-What’re you doing?!” Len whimpered as his eyes widened and darted about with fear. He looked to Gumi, who looked away, “Gumi? What’s happening?” he asked, his voice cracking. Gumi didn’t reply.

The psychologist placed a hand on the younger’s shoulder; an emotion that resembled pity swam in his eyes. “You can’t fall in love with an illusion.” He patted Len’s shoulder before he stepped back. “Take him to the psych ward. We have to treat him for schizophrenia.”

Len thrashed in the doctors’ hold, screeching and crying. He kicked and screamed, but they didn’t budge.

“No! No, let go of me! No!” he shrieked. “Gumi!”

But Gumi could only watch sadly.

 ---

“Do you see her today, Len?”

The once bright-eyed, chubby-faced boy shook his head.

“No.”

It seemed that he was years older than he really was. His face was sunken in and there were dark circles under his eyes.

“So, she’s not here?”

“No. Gumi isn’t there.”

“And why is that?”

“Because she never existed.” 

Len tried so hard to not spit the nonsense out at the middle aged woman with the clipboard and pointy glasses and annoyingly pristine white coat every single day. While Len was fully aware that he was as fine as he ever was, this ‘professional’ still had the  
upper hand; she could make him stay in this child’s playroom for even longer if he were to speak the truth. 

Gumi was real. Len knew she was.

His mother, these ‘professionals’ of mental health; they weren’t there long enough to know Gumi was alive. Her heart had thumped against his head when they hugged (he was naturally shorter, but that was beside the point). He knew how Gumi breathed heavily whenever she was forced to run laps around the school field because of her smart-mouth. 

He distinctly recalled every time he had to maneuver around her to walk beside or in front of her whenever they were outside because her emerald-coloured hair would tend to smack him in the face if he walked behind her, especially when it grew past her shoulders. (Sometimes it was purely out of respect; whenever a gust of autumn wind decided to try and lift her skirt up, leaving her to push down the black material with frightening speed - he’d spare her the embarrassment by making sure he wasn’t looking at all). She breathed, she laughed, she showed emotions and she had a heart; she was a human being.

Len wasn’t going to let anyone try to concoct any bullshit to fuck with his head. All he had to do was keep his façade up in this loony town, and he’d be fine. Gumi would be waiting for him when he got out.

It wasn’t too long now…

 ---

The hostility in his mother's stance spoke volumes when he got home the following week. From when she opened the door to see her half-dead-looking son sitting against a wall, cross legged in a child-sized bean bag, to when she opened the door and stared at Len, thinking he was sound asleep; Len noticed her smiles were forced, her movements were out of wariness and fear, as if she thought he was going to snap, and he was especially aware of the sad gaze she'd cast toward him when he'd been 'asleep' the first night.

She was disappointed in him, in herself for 'not telling him sooner, just in case,' (he heard that when she'd called his father, who was 'overseas for work'). She despised living with a so-called schizopherenic.

Something about the word made Len's heart sink; it was his mother's fault that he was labelled as a freak now. He wasn't a psycho, he wasn't ill. He knew he wasn't. A month later, his mother stopped trying; she never spoke to him, knowing that her son wasn't going to get out of his fantasy world.

\---

Len didn’t like the mocking smirks his classmates were giving him when he finally returned to his school, nor did he like the pitied stares from his school teachers.

Just what the hell was going on? What was up with the change in atmosphere? And where was Gumi?

\---

His roll call teacher hadn’t even bothered to call out Gumi’s name for the past week, but why?

Len remembered how fast Gumi would acknowledge her existence before the teacher even called her name, but now the teacher doesn’t even look like she’s missed anyone on the roll. So he offers to take the class roll at one point so he can look at the roll for  
himself.

He makes sure to wash his face twice before he returns to the classroom, eyes slightly reddened because he somehow managed to have soap added in somewhere in between his frantic attempts to grasp on reality as he knew it.

Gumi’s name wasn’t on the roll; not even a blanked space in between the student before and after where her name should've been was there.

\---

I don’t want to be alone anymore. Gumi, where are you?

The longer Len had been without Gumi, the more he noticed his classmates staring at him. Then, the smirks turned to sinister grins; quiet giggles turned into boisterous laughter and the unnecessary name calling became more noticeable. Len's stomach would twist and turn, like how it did the first year of high school.

It was before Gumi had moved to his school; Len struggled to find people to be around, nervous and uncomfortable because of how out-of-place he seemed. His classmates never liked sitting with him, probably because he didn't have the latest gaming consoles or wasn't really okay with gossiping (it made him feel guilty). One thing sat with him for sure all the time; the idea of being alone for a solid six years. Sure, he'd have Gumi there for him, but she wasn't there with him. Gumi's timing was always perfect though, because just as he was desperate to talk to someone, Gumi had shown up to his roll class wearing the colours of his school uniform.

Now, with Gumi gone again, it felt like he was back at square one. It felt like being excluded hurt way more now that he was at the age where friends were supposed to matter more than schoolwork, because everyone would have to graduate and move on with their lives. In addition to that, people were being plain rude to him; talking about him behind his back, laughing whenever he'd try to speak in class. They were all so mean. It pissed him off with how no one would try speaking to him.

Like hell the teachers gave a flying fuck about it, too; in fact, they’d never even do anything about it even if they noticed his classmates laughing at his expense. Len wanted to see Gumi again. 

He sat under one of the big trees outside the front of his school, facing the school fields and the rest of the world. He had one of his schoolbooks in his hand, flipped to a blank page close to the back of his book, and he absentmindedly started etching lines down the binder of his book with his multi-coloured biro in his right hand. He connected a few to form a jawline and a neck and a fringe and hair; the best pair of eyes he'd ever drawn, he took time to flick his pen to green, before resuming his sketch. As he drew more, a nose, lips, shoulders, hands, his smile grew wider; it felt foreign to him, having neither sketched nor smiled in what felt like a long time.

“Hey there Len.”

As if a bubble had been popped, Len stopped smiling and was met by reality again, back under the tree facing the school fields outside the entrance to his high school. And Miku was standing in front of him. He didn't think too much upon someone wanting to talk to him suddenly. He was too distracted with his sketch. 

However, something was most definitely not right with Miku’s tone, and that made him stop. It wasn’t as chirpy and light as it had been when she had asked Len out to the dance. She had her teal hair in a long pony-tail, her fringe braided and pinned to the back of her head with an abundance of ribbons.

"...Hi," Len's voice sounded forced and abrupt, because he didn't want to talk to anyone, not if they were just going to make fun of him for whatever he said. He felt like he'd accepted his fate as the renowned 'loner boy' at school. However, his stomach would twist painfully at that for some reason. This was how high school was right? The whole point of being in a building with teenagers was to grasp the idea of moving on... Right?

From his notebook, he shot an unfocused look toward Miku as an extended afterthought, which was when he noticed how the school fields were more or less quiet, and actually, the majority of his grade was right behind Miku. He swallowed the invisible marble hurting his windpipe, speaking just loud enough as a surge of uncertainty washed over him; "Wh...What is it, Miku?" For the first time that Len knew of, Miku didn't answer straight away, though he could see a glint of...mischief in her eyes. His stomach sank.

"So, Len...A birdie told me you had something called schizopherenia?"

Len stopped breathing momentarily as an uproar of questions came from the crowd behind her; as far as he knew, he said nothing to anyone.

"What's that?" 

"It sounds like a disease..."

"I heard its when you have hallucinations or something..."

"What? Really?"

Len's grip on his book and pen slackened. His eyes wide and blinking rapidly, as if it were an attempt to ask where she got that from, because it was difficult to speak."So...Is it true? Are you seeing weird things?" Miku wore a smug grin, as if she were happy to see Len's mortified expression.

"...What about it?" Len felt like he'd held his breath for way too long, but he wouldn't let the chatter from behind the teal-haired girl bother him; Miku was asking a question, he should answer as honestly as possible...

"Oh! Who's this?" Miku's attention turned to his book and she tried to grab it, but the blonde's hand instinctively tried resisting and clutched onto the book at an awkward angle. Seemingly fed up, Miku's painted nails slid under his palm and tore out the page. What he had sketched was an anime-esque style of Gumi, with her sparkly jade eyes in the same school uniform as the girls in his school, smiling brightly. Her side bag strap hung loosely around her arm as the bag itself was held between her armpit and where her ribs would be. 

"Is this your girlfriend, Len? She looks pretty." Len would've smiled if he didn't notice how Miku's words were dripping with sarcasm." Len's heart sank lower and lower, embarrassment scalding his cheeks as Miku giggled and threw the sheet of paper into the crowd. 

"Stop it. Give it ba-"

"I think he thinks this chick is real!" A voice piped up in the background, he saw Gumi's smiling face on the sheet of paper, crumpled as people tried grabbing it, eventually tearing it at the edges apart.

"Hey! Stop it!" Len ran out from under the tree and tried pushing his way through to grab the drawing, only to be pushed aside, frozen as the picture was torn, Gumi's smiling face broken. He struggled to breathe, looking up at Miku and his grade laugh at him. 

"Ne, Len? Do you think she is real?" Miku's voice turned into that of a mother coddling her child, deliberately dumbed down to mock him. More laughter. Len gritted his teeth and stood up, hands balled into fists as he yelled; "She is real! What can't you understand about that?!"

"If she were real, we'd know her." A female from the crowd spoke as Miku opened her mouth. She seemed miffed, but continued, sinister smile sending daggers through his chest.

"No one in our school looks like this, Len..."

"Why is he even here?! He belongs in a nut-house."

"Stop it." Len felt warmth rising up his body, pooling in his chest as laughter enveloped him, strangled him. "Please." He choked back a sob. "Stop it," he sounded so desperate. He saw how they all ignored him, drugged by mirth at his expense. Miku's high  
pitched laugh made him want to hit something.

So he did. It was her stomach to be exact. Laughter was replaced by screams of terror from the girls and some of the boys.

He only recalled the teal haired girl coughing and stumbling back, before boys from the crowd pushed forward and tried to grab him, ready to counter-attack for hitting her, then everything just went blank. 

\---

When he came to, a wave of fatigue swept him off his feet, his knees buckling as he saw bruises and swollen faces and blood. His forehead stung like crazy from the cool breeze passing through and his throat felt raw. Most of the remainder of the group were like a school of stunned mullets, too shocked, too scared to breathe, let alone speak. What they could describe was Len turning into a vicious beast, probably intent on killing them. 

Meanwhile, Len was still trying to find out what happened; from what he gathered from the few moments he sat there, a fight broke out. Where was Miku? He hadn't known until he saw her in front of him, curled into a ball, crying as she spat blood, trepidity swimming in her eyes, her cheek bruised, as well as her knees. 

When he stood up again Len's anger came and hit him like a freight truck, as did a sense of pride. He showed these people just what they were dealing with; they took it too far, had the nerve to mock him. In fact, why were these other people still standing? Len looked up at the remainder of the crowd, all backing away, all scared out of their minds, and his head cleared. Logic replaced lividity, told him to reflect upon what he'd just done.

Oh no. NO.

He saw teachers jogging up from the field to where he stood, filing out from the back of the school, all followed by other students wanting to know what happened, their curiousity replaced by expressions of disgust and dismay at the bloodied blonde-haired boy that stood before them. His body worked before his mind did; dodging one teacher who attempted to grab him Len bolted back into the school building, eyes blurred by tears, muscles screaming in protest as he tried running away from his situation. There was screaming from the crowd when they surrounded him on the roof top, both out of dismay and anger. At this point, a few teachers had pushed to the front of the crowd.

“You’re a fucking psycho!”

"Someone 'cuff him!"

He felt so, so angry that nobody believed him. Gumi was real. He knew she was real. And now, he wanted to obliterate everyone who said otherwise.

Len’s eyes began to blur with tears again, his breathing hitched, his heart raced. He was just so scared of all of these people just watching him; the image of a bloody and battered Miku flashed in his mind again, reminding him of what he was capable of when riled up. 

He could silence these people once and for all and make them realize just how wrong they were about Gumi.

At the same time, the logical part of him knew that he wasn’t supposed to go that far with Miku. He wasn’t supposed to fight her; it didn’t make him any better than her. He didn’t want anyone to look as bad as she did once he came to his senses; fighting in general was so wrong.

The conflicting emotions of anger and fear and sorrow and his take on the difference between wrong and right made his head spun. He clutched his head, his hands taking fists of his blonde hair and tugging at them as his teeth clenched and an agonized  
groan bubbled from his throat.

Stop, please make this stop.

Beeeeeep.

Silence, before fast-paced footsteps; and then-

“LEN!”

Bright white singlet and a matching pair of shorts; her lime green cardigan, just a few shades lighter than her hair, hardly seemed to be able to fight with the blustery wind; a woolen scarf thinner than her cardigan wrapped around her neck. Len half laughed-half sobbed at the girl who violently pushed her way to the front of the crowd.

“Oh my god Gumi, please make them realize how fucking stupid they are and-“ 

Len stopped abruptly at the sight of Gumi’s face. She wasn’t saying anything; she didn’t do her signature mock-salute. She was crying.

“Gumi? Why are you crying? Is it because of them? I swear to god I’ll-”

“Len, stop it.” Gumi’s voice was strained, desperate. Len’s eyes widened. He walked to his girlfriend, whom he had missed so much. 

“You want them to treat you like a fake? Like you don’t exist?” Len was confused; he thought she’d make things right, make these people realize that they were wrong.

“But they aren’t treating me like that. And for the record…I still am making things right, Len.” Gumi hesitated before she put her hands on his shoulders. Len thought he’d have gotten used to her strange mind-reading tendencies, but this time, his chest felt heavy.

“W-what…?” Len asked and the warmth of her hands turned cold. Tears stopped running down Gumi’s face.

“They’re right. I’m not real.” 

Just like that he felt his soul leave him and a wave of disbelief crash into him, uprooting him from the ground. He staggered backwards from Gumi. What’s going on? Why’s she saying this? Len’s head spun again. Gumi was agreeing with these idiots? What had happened that made her think she wasn’t real?

Unless…

“Glad to see you’re thinking this through…” Gumi started slowly. “Len…I guess you could say that the mind is really powerful…More powerful than you’d expect, clearly.” Len didn’t really like how nonchalant she was being.

“P-prove it, then,” Len’s bloodied knuckles gripped onto the sides of his crumpled shirt tightly. No, she’d always been weak with massive groups of people. She told me that she’d had a tough time in primary school because of it. She’s just crumbling under the pressure that is the stupid social food chain within schools…right? Gumi grit her teeth and ran a hand through her hair, seemingly frustrated. Len frowned; since when was Gumi ever mad at him? Why was she mad at him now? 

“Fine, I will.” The sudden change of her tone and her expression was startling, “The fact that I can ‘read your mind’, whenever you’re wondering something, or when you want me to be there. It’s because as someone you have thought up, it’s only natural that I would know what your other thoughts are…” Len didn’t want to listen.

“Please, don’t agree with these people.” Len pleaded, taking her hands off of his shoulders as he shook his head, but Gumi continued.

“That night of the dance…notice how I showed up after you thought it’d be more fun if I were there?” Len’s eyes widened a fraction; he was about to reply, but Gumi held her hand up. Her palm faced Len and silenced him.  
“How about when I always beat your roll class teacher when she tries calling my name? Tell me Len, have you ever heard her say ‘Gumi’…Ever?” Len faltered at what she was getting at; the only reason why she had done so was to make it seem as if the teacher was actually calling her name. It was never on the class roll. He felt his chest swell painfully again. "Nobody knows me in this school and for good reason. They know there's no-one by the name of Gumi to have ever set foot in this school, not even before you were born."

“G-Gumi…Why are you saying this? Why are you so sad about me trying to prove to everyone that you’re a human being? Why is it that you don’t want to exist?” Len was honestly dumbfounded beyond belief. No… he just didn’t even want to take what she was saying into consideration. 

“You are hurting yourself so much for my sake. You don’t even know how much…how much I am hurting you because you’re so sure I am real. That’s why I am sad, goddamnit. Please Len, just understand that you’re ruining your life over a figment of your imagination.” Gumi sighed through freely falling tears.

Gumi, a figment of imagination; A pipe-dream…

Then, all Len could feel was guilt. 

There was so much guilt welling up inside of him. It felt like a pair of hands had grabbed hold of his heart and wrung it out. He gasped for air as the realization of all of his wrongdoings came crashing down on him. His mistreatment toward his mother, his stubbornness to allow those psychiatrists to help him get over Gumi, hell, as much of a twat as Miku was, she most definitely didn’t deserve the beating she got. His head ached due to the questions that floated around within it. 

I’ve lived a lie? Am I really crazy? Will mom continue to not speak to me? Have I really been all alone…All of this time?

…Oh god.

“L-Len? Come on stay with me here-“

Len cut Gumi off with a pained half-scream half-cry of “What have I done?!” His hands clutched his hair again as he curled up on the ground. His vision was spotted and his ears rang loudly.

Then he was face to face with the same crowd of students and teachers again, all silent and a significant amount of feet away. He noticed the worry scribbled all over the teacher’s faces, and how they were so hesitant to try and get near him. What he’d done, to  
all of these people, to make them fear him… It was all for the sake of proving the existence of Gumi. And yet…Gumi wasn’t real. He had hurt people. He had been violent. He’d become a monster. The guilt spread like wildfire all over him; it made him take a step back from the crowd, for their sake.

“No, no tears, Len.” The blonde mumbled to himself through hiccups and sniffles as he roughly wiped the beginnings of tears away with the back of his hand, smearing semi-dried blood on his cheeks. 

“Len, please -“

“GET THE HECK AWAY FROM ME!” Len kicked at the teacher with poor aim, creating even more distance between him and them, as much distance as possible. The more the better. He ignored the shocked yells and gasps from the students and covered his chest with his arms; as if he had been exposed. “Please…go away….” He barely stopped a sob from escaping from his lips.

“Len…” Gumi tried reaching out toward him, but stopped and gasped, looking at her hand. Len snapped his head toward her; she looked more like a ghost – transparent. The more Len realized that Gumi wasn’t real, the more transparent she became. 

But if she isn’t real, then I’m not real.

If everything he considered as ‘fun’ was with Gumi, but Gumi was supposedly not real, then what was ‘fun’ supposed to be? How else would he be able to stop himself from hurting? Len gazed at the bar-less ledge behind him, and a smile subconsciously crept up on his face.

Right, why didn’t I think of this earlier? It was only fun when I was ‘hurting myself’. Because I’m hurting myself by thinking that you were real. Would I have the most fun I’ve ever had if I were to…? Len turned around, his eyes meeting Gumi’s glassy ones. 

“I mean, it’s not like I’m gonna feel anything when I land... Right?” He shrugged and smiled as if he were doing something casual and mischievous. He didn't care about the incredulous looks from some of the students in front of him, of their comments of how crazy he was. 

“Len, NO-“

Gumi’s words practically echoed. She reached out toward him again, tears springing back into her eyes. However, her hand passed through Len’s arm. Len smiled bitterly at his figment of imagination, closed his eyes and walked backwards. 

Len was eighteen, when he saw Gumi for the last time.

\---

Paramnesia - a condition or phenomenon involving distorted memory or confusions of fact and fantasy, such as confabulation or déjà vu.

**Author's Note:**

> Hah. This is still considered a oneshot and Len can fly.
> 
> DO YOU NOTICE THE SARCASM?!
> 
> I find it freaking hilarious that; the inability to recall the correct meaning of a word, is another definition of Paramnesia. Because I forgot what Schizopherenia was the word I was looking for...
> 
> Not changing the title though...
> 
> Anyway, this actually took me a YEAR to write, much longer than expected, considering the fact that I actually had planned what was to happen in this very, very, long oneshot. Even so, despite how dark this is, I hope some people enjoyed reading?
> 
> There will be constant edits of this story, but it is completed nonetheless.
> 
> Thanks for reading.
> 
> \- Jae


End file.
